


Exchange

by breatherepeat



Series: Life After Love [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Closure, Established Relationship, Home for Christmas, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, M/M, Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-01-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:34:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22103401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breatherepeat/pseuds/breatherepeat
Summary: At a train station in his hometown, Dan finds himself face to face with his past.Instead of running from it, he confronts it.Continuation of Learning To Love Yourself and Life After Love series.
Relationships: Dan Howell & Phil Lester, Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Series: Life After Love [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1485146
Kudos: 24





	Exchange

  


Most people that frequently fly learn the tricks to navigating travel through airports. Despite the number of foreign and domestic airports he has had to navigate over the years, for whatever reason, something always went wrong for Dan.

Even taking out Dan's habit of last minute packing, he was just unlucky when it came to airport travel. 

Thus, whenever he could avoid it, he did.

He much preferred the trains. Less frantic people on trains than planes. More relaxing to find a seat and stare out the window at the changing scenery as his favorite tracks played in his ears.

And, thus far, less possibility of running into people that he knew than with large airports. 

Going and leaving his hometown had always been the worst. Too many people that knew him as his old self. The boy in that room in that town that no one cared to understand.

If he really bothered, he would go through the social media accounts of people he went to school with and figure out who still lived near his hometown and who would likely be traveling to or from there.

Years ago when the internet started digging up his private information, in his desperate neurosis to try to control it, he started a spreadsheet of everyone that might have gone to school with him or been in that field. Back then, the idea of running into anyone that knew about what happened in that field or how the lads at school treated him was literally one of his worst nightmares. He wished he only had one nightmare to deal with but there were multiple. 

However, much like his other halfhearted, impossible projects, he lost interest and it now is just an abandoned file on a laptop somewhere.

After years of therapy and general maturity, he was fine running into people that "knew" him from the internet now.

It was the IRL people that had known him from before that still gave him back sweats and the need to hide behind random objects.

He had become good at spotting them over the years. Hypervigilance is what his therapist called it. Dan just called it survival mode.

But as his luck would go, he had been distracted by a picture from Phil on his phone, and forgot that even though he was leaving to return home, he still needed to be in survival mode. The hours and hours he spent on video games had failed him. Never take your eyes off the enemy, especially in enemy territory.

Yes, most people still remained in the area following Christmas day, but there were people that would be traveling to go to another family or destination. Just like Dan trying to sneak back home.

"Oh, hello." The man spoke as he looked up from the child that was holding his hand and saw Dan stood in front of him, distracted on his phone.

Dan knew the voice well.

It was a voice that Dan knew for more years than it should have been remembered.

A voice that he loved at first. A voice that was associated with pretty eyes and flirting when no one was around. A voice that went with a soft pair of lips that Dan kissed and felt alive.

A voice that turned into one that would haunt his dreams following an awful night in a field as Dan attempted to leave behind the life he hated.

Dan was frozen in his spot, his feet no longer worked. The picture of Phil in his stupid reindeer hat was still open on his phone and Dan's thumb hovered over the reply button. He must look like an oversized idiot stood there with his phone near his chest, unmoving as four eyes stared back at him. Two from near his knees.

Dan's own eyes worked and he moved from the man stood in front of him to the small child by his side. Female and looked to be about four or five years old. She was dressed in a long coat that must be for special holidays as it looked way too nice to be for normal wear. She was looking back at Dan, unknowingly, and likely uncaring, of who he was other than a person that was blocking her way to the train. 

She had her father's eyes.

Dan couldn't look at her much longer and moved his eyes up to find Kieran looking at him with a pale face. The colour of his skin had drained and he looked ill.

If Dan was an evil person, he would be glad that Kieran appeared to be having the most difficult reaction of the two to their encounter. 

The last time Dan had saw his face, he had been tan in a family photo. The small girl at his side was merely a baby. Her other father was smiling bright at the camera and holding her in his arms while Kieran had his arm around his husband's shoulders.

Perfect family photo.

Seeing the picture was an accident. It was attached to another account from school. Dan quickly clicked off the website and avoided the internet for the rest of the day.

Dan knew in his mind that Kieran was not an evil person and Kieran had all rights to be happy. But it still hurt. 

Did Kieran ever think of him and that night? Did he beat himself up about it and spend years in therapy trying to sort out his shit?

Dan had read his letter, but was it the truth?

Or was it only Dan that had to carry that burden?

Kieran was stood in front of him. Happy and healthy on a family holiday. Just like the picture he posted of his life. The internet doesn't always lie it appears. 

"Sorry." Kieran looked away and moved his daughter gently around Dan's stationary frame. "Pardon us."

"Daddy, we are going to miss it!" The girl shouted from behind Dan as they likely went toward their train. 

It was the last thing that Dan heard for awhile. The busy sounds of the train and its customers faded away.

He looked down to his phone and found he had hit reply without knowing it. It was only half a response and there was already a series of emojis questioning Dan's words.

Dan missed Phil within the last few hours that they had been a part, but not as much as he did right in that moment.

He tried to make his fingers move along the keyword, but they were useless.

And what could he even type that could convey what happened? 

After another series of emojis from Phil, Dan found he could hear his breathing and the sounds of the busy area around him returning sound by sound.

Turning his body to where Kieran and his daughter had walked toward, he found no sign of the smart dress coat meant for a person older than the small frame it surrounded.

And with it, Kieran was gone as well.

Dan focused back on his phone and moved to his call log, clicking Phil's name and moving the phone up in anticipation. He forgot that he could have FaceTime him. 

"Do you smell toast? Did you have stroke?" Phil's voice was light and did not show concern. "Or were you so taken aback by the picture that you forgot how to text?"

"Phil." Dan breathed out his name and started walking in the direction Kieran had went. His own train departure was forgotten.

"Dan?" Phil's tone changed hearing Dan's voice. It wasn't odd for Dan to call him panicking when he was around his parents. But Dan had been actually happy to go home this Christmas and none of the usual dread had been present in their previous phone calls over the last two days. "What happened?"

"He was here." Dan stopped near a few benches and found the smart dress coat of the girl. She was swirling around an even younger child with a similar coat while her fathers were discussing something among themselves, both with an eye kept on the children. "Fuck, he is here."

"Your dad?" Phil's tone still showed concern.

Dan and his father had improved their communication and interactions with one another, but true growth was rarely a linear path.

"No. Kieran." Dan felt his heart pounding in his chest but he was keeping himself under control. He kept his attention on the two men talking to each other and he must have been staring too hard because Kieran's husband looked up at him. "His husband sees me."

"Dan, what are you talking about?" Dan could hear movement on the other line and then a door shut. Phil likely went into the bathroom. He often went there to have private conversations with Dan. "Kieran? Like Kieran, Kieran?"

"Yes." Dan's answered as Kieran looked up as well and followed the path of his husband's eyesight to Dan. He had been spotted and he felt himself moving in their direction before he could stop himself. "I'm going to talk to him."

"Dan." Phil's voice increased into a high whisper, trying to not alert his family. "Be careful."

"I'll call you back." Dan ended the phone call as Kieran walked closer to him, his children and husband left behind.

"Not in front of my children, please." Kieran raised his hands as he plead with Dan. He still looked pale and Dan felt sorry for him. But only a bit. Dan wasn't evil but he was still only human.

"I'm not going to do anything to you. Jesus." Dan put his phone in his pocket and shifted his eyes back to Kieran. 

Now that his body wasn't flooded with chemicals, Dan could take him in fully. Kieran was shorter than him now. He still was muscular but not as much as when they were in school. His hair was the same. And his eyes were still his best feature. 

Still, they had nothing on Phil's eyes and the warmth he gave Dan each time their eyes met.

"Okay." Kieran lowered his hands and put them in his pockets, looking up. He seemed nervous still. "You got taller."

Dan didn't respond. He didn't know what he wanted to say. Last year at this time, he would have ran in the other direction. Avoiding all possibility of a conversation. Now, what was there to say?

"Look, I'm so sorry-" Kieran started but Dan cut him off before he could say more.

"I know." Dan lowered his eyes to their feet and then found a spot on his shoe to focus on. "I read your letter. Dick move leaving it with my mum."

"I didn't know how else to get it to you." Kieran's voice lowered and he appeared to be gaining more control of himself. He still sounded like he might shit himself. 

Dan felt anger. It didn't matter that Kieran had a husband and children now. It didn't erase what he did. What he did to Dan all those years ago when Dan so desperately needed someone to love him and show him that he wasn't a freak for liking pretty eyed boys.

And now Kieran had the dream life with beautiful children and Dan was too frightened to even tell his parents about Phil until only a few months ago.

It wasn't fair.

"I don't know why I came over here." Dan looked up from the spot on his shoe and found the fear was still in Kieran's eyes. It helped Dan continue. "I don't even know what I want to say to you."

"Look, I'm sorry." Kieran shifted his feet and put his hands deeper inside his coat pockets. The fear was still in his eyes and Dan recognized it from his reflection in the mirror. "I was a stupid teenager who was struggling with liking blokes. I liked being around you and that was terrifying. I had never kissed a boy before and when you kissed me...I panicked. I had a girlfriend. I had straight mates that made gay jokes all the time. I couldn't be gay. I just couldn't be. But I was. I was a massive homo that realized I needed to be true to myself to be happy. I hid it until my last year of uni. I fell in love with Tony and just couldn't be that guy anymore. The one that lived to make everyone's life easier. We got married and I told my parents. I wrote you that letter before our first daughter was born. I had seen you on the telly and I just...I couldn't bring a child into this messed up world without apologizing to you." 

"You fucked me up so bad." Dan felt his eyes watering and he blinked away the tears. "I thought I could love you and that we could be together. You saw how they treated me in school. I don't blame you for not coming to my defense and for panicking after we kissed. It was frightening for me as well. We could have gotten through it together. But what you did in that field...that was fucked up. That _wrecked_ me. You don't do that to someone. Especially someone that was gay like you were." 

"I know." Kieran turned when he heard his eldest daughter yelling for him. Their train was leaving soon and she was worried he was going to be left behind.

Turning his head back to Dan, Kieran spoke, "I was drunk and I panicked. I couldn't have them thinking that I was...you know. It was not my proudest moment. I thought about you all summer. I went to your work once. I almost built up the courage to say something to you but I was too weak then. I'm sorry. Truly, honestly, from the bottom of my heart sorry. I know I can never take it back, but it taught me so much about life and the choices we make. About taking responsibility for my feelings and being true to myself. I only wish you moved on from this...from what I did. I hope you are happy with him. Phil seems amazing." 

There was another loud cry but this time from the youngest. The girl that was panicking in her other father's arms that her dad was going to be left behind. 

"And I have to go because I'm going to miss our train if I don't. Message me if you want to talk more. And nice one. You know, with the video and everything. I wished more people had talked about it when we were younger. Maybe I wouldn't have been such an idiot. Happy Christmas." 

Dan nodded his head in acknowledgement and watched as Kieran left to soothe his youngest daughter and follow his family onto the waiting train. He wanted to wish him a Happy Christmas as well but he couldn't at the moment. 

Moving away from the crowd and facing a bare wall, he took his phone out of his pocket and rang Phil. He answered before the first ring completed. 

"Are you okay?" Phil had the tone in his voice that was he was close to full freakout. Dan had heard it multiple times over the years but it still made his heart hurt. Phil wanted to be near him when he got like that.

"Yes." Dan turned his back to the wall and saw all the festive decorations around him. People were rushing here and there with smiles on their faces. Kieran's train had left and with it there were a few people leaving the platform as they had waved their goodbyes. 

Maybe Dan had waved his goodbye as well. Maybe that was the last thing he needed to do to help that boy in that room. Confront the person that hurt him so long ago. And now, like the people leaving the platform, it was time for him to go as well.

"We talked. I can't process everything he said right now. It was good? I dunno. I will analyze it all on the ride home." Dan smiled at the word home. It didn't matter what left on the train because he had Phil at home.

At least he would soon.

"I wish I was there." Phil's freakout was subsiding and now he just sounded sad. "Damn my family for being so into Christmas. I would so ditch them and go with you, but-" 

"Don't start that again. I will not have the Wrath of Kath haunting my Christmas memories." Dan laughed at his own joke and then bit his lip as he felt another wave of tears. 

Dan knew Phil heard them on the other end of the call. The stupid noises he made when he tried to hold back tears. 

If the world were simple and fair, Phil would come with him to his family Christmas but it meant too much to Phil's parents to have their son home for Christmas. And as much as Dan dreaded going home, or at least used to dread it, it was tradition to spend Christmas with your family. Still didn't mean that he couldn't miss him. "Fuck. Phil. Like, actual, literal, fuck." 

Dan knew this trip was going to be different after the year he had, but he was not prepared for the wave of emotions moving through him.

"Come here. Please." Phil was going to spend another day with his family before he returned to London. Dan originally was going to go home to spend time alone and decompress from family time. And it was healthy to spend some time apart. "You can eat leftovers and real meat before your vegan habit begins again with the new year."

"No." Dan shook his head even though Phil couldn't see him. He was fine and he was going to stay with the original plan. He had spent time with Phil's family a few days ago and he really needed the time to decompress from being in his hometown after running into Kieran. "I'll go home and sort though these thoughts and eagerly await your return. Just don't take too long." 

"I love you." Dan heard the smile in Phil's voice despite the concern in Phil's tone. Dan knew that Phil understood more than anyone that Dan needed the time away from everyone. 

"I know." Dan smiled back at their game. 

"Say it back." Phil whined on the other end. To anyone else besides Dan, Phil must have sounded like he was in pain, but Dan knew he was just messing with him. 

"I love you." Dan's smile increased and he remembered he was meant to be on his own train soon. "I'm going to miss my train. See you soon."

Dan wiped his eyes and shook his head to clear it. 

It truly was a year to remember.


End file.
